pfitz

The Rabbi’s Holiday

by pfitz
A Rabbi who’s been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he’s never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan. He flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive ... Read More

Scott’s Narcissistic Hits

by pfitz
Announcing the my two new CDs! Scott Sings the Narcissistic Hits 1. I Love Me, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah 2. Hopelessly Devoted to Me 3. How Sweet it Is to Be Loved by Me 4. I Wanna Hold My Hand 5. Everything I Do, I Do it for Me 6. I Am the Sunshine of My ... Read More

Latin Seizures

by pfitz
Carpe Diem — Seize the Day Carpet Diem — Seize the carpet Carpayment Diem — Seize the checkbook Carpe Duh — Seize an idiot Carp Diem — Fish of the day Crampy Diem — Seize the Midol Carpe Diet — Seize the rice cake Carpal Diem — Seize the knuckles Carpe Dig’Em — Seize the ... Read More

Letter to the Bank

by pfitz
Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to ... Read More

A B.O.O.K. Pfunny

by pfitz
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK). It’s a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere–even sitting in an armchair by the fire–yet ... Read More

Ghost Indian

by pfitz
Two Ponca men were sitting out on a back road visiting. All at once there was a tapping on the window. “Ah Hoh! Hey guy! I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!” Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window. The Ponca man ... Read More

Holiday Wishes (Court Brief #876)

by pfitz
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions ... Read More

Top Ten Signs That You’re at a Bad Zoo

by pfitz
When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. The ... Read More

The Self-Conscious Pirate

by pfitz
A pirate captain walks into a bar with his first mate and they sit down at the bar. Now, the pirate captain has been a little down on his luck in the world of women, know what I mean? His first mate notices some lovely piratical wenches across the bar. “Arr, cap’n, you should go ... Read More

True or False?

by pfitz
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all ... Read More