pfitz

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

by pfitz
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What We Hear? DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and… PARANOID: Santa ... Read More

Twinkies

by pfitz
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments: Exposure A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across ... Read More

Halloween Riddles

by pfitz
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ What’s a ghost’s favorite Mother Goose Story? Little Boo Peep ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Why do ... Read More

The Jerk

by pfitz
Having a bad day? Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was ... Read More

The Old Navy Parrot

by pfitz
The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot. First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.” The old chief told the parrot, ... Read More

Ladle Rat Rotten Hut

by pfitz
[If you’re having a hard time figuring this one out, try reading it aloud.] Wants pawn term dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage honor itch offer ledge dock florist. Disc ladle gull orphan worry ladle rat cluck wetter putty ladle rat hut, end fur disc raisin pimple cauldron ladle rat ... Read More

Beatles Computer Song

by pfitz
(to the tune of “Let It Be “) When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C. Write in C, write in C, ... Read More

The Brick Theory of Management

by pfitz
How to place new employees in the right jobs for them: Put 400 bricks in a closed room. Put your new hires in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. Then analyze the situation: If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department. If ... Read More

Caesar Salad Now Legal

by pfitz
Caesar Salad Now Legal! WASHINGTON, DC — California decriminalized the sale of Caesar salad this week — and it’s not a moment too soon, the Libertarian Party said today. “When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar salad,” noted the party’s Director of Communications, Bill Winter. “That’s why, on the issue of Caesar ... Read More

Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker

by pfitz
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000. 9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running. 8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down. 6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC ... Read More