Rules for Women

1. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

2. Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall.

3. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

4. Shopping is not fascinating.

5. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking jerks.

6. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

7. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

8. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

9. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e., microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

10. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

11. He heard you the first time.

12. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too…. Let’s spread the rejection around a little.

13. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to. {fill in question}

14. Of COURSE he wants another beer.

15. Dogs good. Cats bad.

16. If he has to sit through “Steel Magnolias,” you have to sit through “Showgirls”.

17. “Fine.” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

18. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

19. He was not looking at that other girl.

20. Well, okay… maybe a little.

21. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…

22. You can look, but you cannot touch.

23. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.

24. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

25. Your (select appropriate item: hair/face/butt/legs) look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look(s) darn good. Stop asking.

26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo, if left in the shower.

27. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

28. Yes, Cindy Crawford/Angelina Jolie/Jessica Alba is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Johnny Depp is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.

29. His (fill in appropriate selections: bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/scabby rash) is cute.

30. Don’t hog the covers.

31. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that….

32. He does not just want to be friends.