pfitz

A Bad Case of Large Nachos

by pfitz
A BAD CASE OF LARGE NACHOSBy Suzanne Peppers I have had a horrible case of Laryngitis for the past 8 days. I’m working hard to get over it. I have only had a little bit of voice for one day really. VERY frustrating. Then last Tuesday I was SO hungry…and had NO money with me…that ... Read More

Bear Walks into a Bar

by pfitz
A bear walks in to a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin and… tonic.”The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”The bear looks down for a second and says, “I don’t know, I guess I was just born this way.”

Talking Dog

by pfitz
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, ... Read More

Olaf the Norseman

by pfitz
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.“What’s the matter?” asks Olaf.“Oh,” sobs the old lady. “I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.”“No problem,” says ... Read More

Riddles for Christmas

by pfitz
Q. What is Santa’s favorite state?A. Ida-ho-ho-ho Q. What did the first snowman says to the second snowman?A. “I don’t know about you, but I smell carrots.” Q. Did you hear about the kid who was scared of Santa?A. He was Claus-trophobic. Q. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?A. Subordinate clauses. Q. What does a gingerbread man use to ... Read More

The Plan

by pfitz
In the beginning, there was The Plan.Then came the assumptions,and the assumptions were without form, and the plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the workers,and they spoke amongst themselves saying,“It is a crock of shit and it stinketh mightily.” And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said,“It is a pile ... Read More

A Seussian Christmas

by pfitz
A SEUSSIAN CHRISTMASBy Tim McLaughlin If you saddled your six-legged droozle and rodeToward the north, at a gallop, until you hit snow,(And we all know a six-legged droozle can scootAt one hundred and twenty when you give it the boot)Anyway, on your droozle, you’d finally arriveAt a hamlet called Nazareth–this town has survivedSince the time ... Read More

The REAL 12 Days of Christmas

by pfitz
Miss Agnes McHolstein69 Cash AvenueBeaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1994 Dearest John:I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift and such a lovely surprise!With deepest love and devotion,Agnes _______________________________________ Miss Agnes McHolstein69 Cash AvenueBeaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1994 Dearest John:Today the ... Read More

How Many Dogs?

by pfitz
How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got ourwhole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid,burned-out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiringthat’s not up to code. Dachshund: I can’t ... Read More

Grading Finals

by pfitz
For those of you with finals approaching, here is an inside look athow professors grade their final exams: Dept Of Statistics:All grades are fitted to a normal curve. Dept Of Psychology:Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them andturn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the firstgrade that ... Read More