Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.“What’s the matter?” asks Olaf.“Oh,” sobs the old lady. “I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.”“No problem,” says […]
Q. What is Santa’s favorite state?A. Ida-ho-ho-ho Q. What did the first snowman says to the second snowman?A. “I don’t know about you, but I smell carrots.” Q. Did you hear about the kid who was scared of Santa?A. He was Claus-trophobic. Q. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?A. Subordinate clauses. Q. What does a gingerbread man use to […]
In the beginning, there was The Plan.Then came the assumptions,and the assumptions were without form, and the plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the workers,and they spoke amongst themselves saying,“It is a crock of shit and it stinketh mightily.” And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said,“It is a pile […]
A SEUSSIAN CHRISTMASBy Tim McLaughlin If you saddled your six-legged droozle and rodeToward the north, at a gallop, until you hit snow,(And we all know a six-legged droozle can scootAt one hundred and twenty when you give it the boot)Anyway, on your droozle, you’d finally arriveAt a hamlet called Nazareth–this town has survivedSince the time […]
Miss Agnes McHolstein69 Cash AvenueBeaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1994 Dearest John:I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift and such a lovely surprise!With deepest love and devotion,Agnes _______________________________________ Miss Agnes McHolstein69 Cash AvenueBeaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1994 Dearest John:Today the […]
How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got ourwhole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid,burned-out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiringthat’s not up to code. Dachshund: I can’t […]
For those of you with finals approaching, here is an inside look athow professors grade their final exams: Dept Of Statistics:All grades are fitted to a normal curve. Dept Of Psychology:Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them andturn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the firstgrade that […]
A man has been lost and walking in the desert for about five days.One hot day–actually, they’re all hot–he comes to the home of apreacher. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses onthe doorstep. The preacher takes him in and nurses him back tohealth. Feeling better, the man asks the preacher […]
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska.They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When theplane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals andsays, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, andboth of those animals. You’ll have […]
Why are frogs so happy?They eat whatever bugs them! What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, andcrosses the road again? A dirty double-crosser! Why are frogs looking forward to 2024?It will be a Leap Year! Why did the frog cross the road?To see what the chicken was doing. […]