Holidays

Riddles for Christmas

by pfitz
Q. What is Santa’s favorite state?A. Ida-ho-ho-ho Q. What did the first snowman says to the second snowman?A. “I don’t know about you, but I smell carrots.” Q. Did you hear about the kid who was scared of Santa?A. He was Claus-trophobic. Q. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?A. Subordinate clauses. Q. What does a gingerbread man use to ... Read More

A Seussian Christmas

by pfitz
A SEUSSIAN CHRISTMASBy Tim McLaughlin If you saddled your six-legged droozle and rodeToward the north, at a gallop, until you hit snow,(And we all know a six-legged droozle can scootAt one hundred and twenty when you give it the boot)Anyway, on your droozle, you’d finally arriveAt a hamlet called Nazareth–this town has survivedSince the time ... Read More

The REAL 12 Days of Christmas

by pfitz
Miss Agnes McHolstein69 Cash AvenueBeaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1994 Dearest John:I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift and such a lovely surprise!With deepest love and devotion,Agnes _______________________________________ Miss Agnes McHolstein69 Cash AvenueBeaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1994 Dearest John:Today the ... Read More

Some Mother’s Day Pfunnies

by pfitz
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or ... Read More

Interview with the Easter Bunny

by pfitz
With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not abusier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once ayear, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions ofboys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy andeggs as part of the celebration of Easter. ... Read More

A Politically Correct Christmas

by pfitz
by Harvey Ehrlich, 1992 ‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…How to live in a world that’s politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”.“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the North PoleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to ... Read More

A Star Trek: The Next Generation Christmas

by pfitz
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shipNot a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;The phasers were hung in the arm’ry securely,In hope that no aliens would get up that early. The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunksexcept for the few who were partying drunks;And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev ... Read More

Christmas Riddles

by pfitz
What do they call Santa’s helpers?Subordinate Clauses What do you call Santa Claus after he’s fallen into a fireplace?Krisp Kringle Who sings “Love Me Tender” and makes Christmas toys?Santa’s little Elvis Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?“Rude”olph What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?A cookie sheet What reindeer ... Read More

Twas the Night before Christmas – Scientifically

by pfitz
SCIENTIFICALLY EXPLAINED NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding theannual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of thispotential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Musmusculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edgeof the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant ... Read More

The X(mas) Files

by pfitz
Mulder: We’re too late. It’s already been here. Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing. Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. Scully: You really think someone’s been ... Read More