Puns

Olaf the Norseman

by pfitz
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.“What’s the matter?” asks Olaf.“Oh,” sobs the old lady. “I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.”“No problem,” says ... Read More

A Potato Story

by pfitz
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato hadeyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a littlesweet potato, whom they called ‘Yam.’ Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they toldher about the facts of life. They warned her about going out ... Read More

Daffynitions

by pfitz
~ Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it~ Allege: A rocky platform on a mountain~ Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s~ Arson: Our daughter’s brother~ Autobiography: A history of cars~ Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do~ Backward: Patient rooms at the rear ... Read More

Tom Said

by pfitz
“I can’t believe I ate that whole pineapple!” Tom said dolefully. “That’s the last time I’ll ever pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly. “I dropped the toothpaste,” Tom said, crestfallen. “I’ll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!” Tom said, beside himself. “That’s the third electric shock I’ve gotten this week!” Tom said, revolted. “I’m ... Read More

Help in Time of Need

by pfitz
A man is in bed with his wife when there is knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” ... Read More

Old West Dog

by pfitz
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He gives a mean look around the room as everyone gets quiet. Then he says, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw!”

Shelter from the Storm

by pfitz
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The ... Read More

Full Deck-ism

by pfitz
Not Playing with a full deck … A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth. A brain like a BB in a boxcar. A couple of bricks short of a load. A couple of dilithium crystals short of a warp core. A couple of knights short of a Crusade. A couple of volts below ... Read More

Marx

by pfitz
A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony. The history professor asked: “Have you read Marx?” The psychology professor replied: “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”

Bar Accents

by pfitz
I was in a London pub on Saturday night. I’d had a few drinks when I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?” One of them turned to me and screamed, “It’s WALES, you idiot!” So I immediately apologized, ... Read More