Language

Olaf the Norseman

by pfitz
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.“What’s the matter?” asks Olaf.“Oh,” sobs the old lady. “I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.”“No problem,” says ... Read More

A Potato Story

by pfitz
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato hadeyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a littlesweet potato, whom they called ‘Yam.’ Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they toldher about the facts of life. They warned her about going out ... Read More

Job Interview Phrases

by pfitz
Phrases for you to use in a job interview: “I’m extremely adept at all manner of office organization”means: I’ve used Microsoft Office. “I’m honest, hard-working and dependable”means: I pilfer office supplies. “I take pride in my work”means: I blame others for any mistakes. “I’m personable”means: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. “I ... Read More

Not Too Bright

by pfitz
Synonomic Phraseologies: She’s bright as Alaska in December. He donated his body to scientists…Before he was done using it. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week. Go on! Give him a penny for his thoughts…you’ll get change back. She got into the gene pool while the lifeguards weren’t ... Read More

Daffynitions

by pfitz
~ Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it~ Allege: A rocky platform on a mountain~ Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s~ Arson: Our daughter’s brother~ Autobiography: A history of cars~ Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do~ Backward: Patient rooms at the rear ... Read More

Vocal Puzzle

by pfitz
Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster andfaster, repeating the phrase, until you “hear” the answer. Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles 1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person) 2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character) 3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person) 4. MOW BEAD HICK (book) 5. TALL MISCHIEF HER ... Read More

Vocal Dyslexia

by pfitz
There is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1 Americans 15every minutes. Vocal Dyslexia it’s called. An elment I’ve been lifingall my fight. It can warn without striking and has no regard forcase, read, or crolor. Symptoms:~ speechaled garb~ backs coming out wordward~ and an inability to sent a complete putence together The ... Read More

Some One-Liners

by pfitz
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ... Read More

Grammar Bar

by pfitz
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly. A bar was walked into by the passive voice. An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.” A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all ... Read More

Tom Said

by pfitz
“I can’t believe I ate that whole pineapple!” Tom said dolefully. “That’s the last time I’ll ever pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly. “I dropped the toothpaste,” Tom said, crestfallen. “I’ll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!” Tom said, beside himself. “That’s the third electric shock I’ve gotten this week!” Tom said, revolted. “I’m ... Read More