pfitz

Elementronics

by pfitz
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composedof 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistantvice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going roundin circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does notdecay but institutes a series ... Read More

Some Mother’s Day Pfunnies

by pfitz
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or ... Read More

Some Courtroom Quotes

by pfitz
* Lawyer to defendant: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child? * Lawyer : “I show you Exhibit three and ask you if you recognizethat picture.Witness: “That’s me.”Lawyer: “Were you present when that picture was taken?” * Lawyer: “Now, Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in hissleep, in most ... Read More

Lost Golf Ball

by pfitz
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off thetee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to playthrough and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed theplan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badlybeaten up. They ... Read More

Some Short Thoughts

by pfitz
All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re built upside-down. Taxation WITH representation ain’t much fun either. I don’t have a license to kill but I do have a learner’s permit. He who dies with the most toys is still dead. I like cats too. ... Read More

A Tax Pfunny

by pfitz
The IRS sent me a letter last Friday. They audited my return anddenied two of my dependent deductions! I sent them the followingletter: Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of thethree dependents I claimed on my Federal Income Tax return. Thankyou. I have questioned whether these are my ... Read More

Interview with the Easter Bunny

by pfitz
With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not abusier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once ayear, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions ofboys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy andeggs as part of the celebration of Easter. ... Read More

The Hero Lawyer

by pfitz
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized indangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his travelingcompanions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of twodorsal fins — great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.To their surprise, the sharks allowed ... Read More

Not Much of a Man

by pfitz
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’sAngels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old fella,pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat atthe counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into his coffee and took aseat at the ... Read More

Vocal Puzzle

by pfitz
Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster andfaster, repeating the phrase, until you “hear” the answer. Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles 1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person) 2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character) 3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person) 4. MOW BEAD HICK (book) 5. TALL MISCHIEF HER ... Read More