pfitz

Cemetery Scare

by pfitz
One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, ... Read More

A Can-Do Pfunny

by pfitz
Programmer to Team Leader: “We can’t do this proposed project. **CAN NOT** It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to ... Read More

College Writing

by pfitz
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said. “Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.” The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?” “Yes, indeed,” ... Read More

Chili Cookoff Chronicles

by pfitz
These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Canada. This is tremendously funny Pfunny– especially if you read it aloud to a friend. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last ... Read More

Headlines from the Year 2029

by pfitz
– Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia (formerly California). – White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. – Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. – Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped. – Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim ... Read More

Buying a Parrot

by pfitz
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs $500.” “Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered. The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.” The man asked ... Read More

The Rabbi’s Holiday

by pfitz
A Rabbi who’s been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he’s never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan. He flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel. He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive ... Read More

Scott’s Narcissistic Hits

by pfitz
Announcing the my two new CDs! Scott Sings the Narcissistic Hits 1. I Love Me, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah 2. Hopelessly Devoted to Me 3. How Sweet it Is to Be Loved by Me 4. I Wanna Hold My Hand 5. Everything I Do, I Do it for Me 6. I Am the Sunshine of My ... Read More

Latin Seizures

by pfitz
Carpe Diem — Seize the Day Carpet Diem — Seize the carpet Carpayment Diem — Seize the checkbook Carpe Duh — Seize an idiot Carp Diem — Fish of the day Crampy Diem — Seize the Midol Carpe Diet — Seize the rice cake Carpal Diem — Seize the knuckles Carpe Dig’Em — Seize the ... Read More

Letter to the Bank

by pfitz
Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to ... Read More