If Men Ruled the World

· Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

· Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

· Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

· When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

· Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.

· Birth control would come in ale or lager.

· You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked for, like “Heywood Janockitoff.”

· Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

· The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

· “Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

· At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

· It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

· Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

· Tanks would be far easier to rent.

· Garbage would take itself out.

· Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

· Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

· Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

· On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

· St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

· Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

· Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

· The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

· The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football From a Different Camera Angle.

· It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

· Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

· When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

· Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”

· The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

· People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

· Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

· Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.