Language

Some One-Liners

by pfitz
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ... Read More

Grammar Bar

by pfitz
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly. A bar was walked into by the passive voice. An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.” A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all ... Read More

Tom Said

by pfitz
“I can’t believe I ate that whole pineapple!” Tom said dolefully. “That’s the last time I’ll ever pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly. “I dropped the toothpaste,” Tom said, crestfallen. “I’ll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!” Tom said, beside himself. “That’s the third electric shock I’ve gotten this week!” Tom said, revolted. “I’m ... Read More

Help in Time of Need

by pfitz
A man is in bed with his wife when there is knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” ... Read More

Old West Dog

by pfitz
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He gives a mean look around the room as everyone gets quiet. Then he says, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw!”

Shelter from the Storm

by pfitz
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The ... Read More

Punctuation Bar Jokes

by pfitz
Seven Bar Jokes involving grammar and punctuation by Eric K. Auld A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves. A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartenders asks it to leave. A question mark walks into a bar? Two quotations marks “walk into” a ... Read More

Full Deck-ism

by pfitz
Not Playing with a full deck … A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth. A brain like a BB in a boxcar. A couple of bricks short of a load. A couple of dilithium crystals short of a warp core. A couple of knights short of a Crusade. A couple of volts below ... Read More

What’s in a Name?

by pfitz
A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.” “There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?” The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

Marx

by pfitz
A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony. The history professor asked: “Have you read Marx?” The psychology professor replied: “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”