A Seussian Christmas

By Tim McLaughlin

If you saddled your six-legged droozle and rode
Toward the north, at a gallop, until you hit snow,
(And we all know a six-legged droozle can scoot
At one hundred and twenty when you give it the boot)
Anyway, on your droozle, you’d finally arrive
At a hamlet called Nazareth–this town has survived
Since the time that the Romans ruled everyone’s lives.
In those days Joe was bummed, marriage prospects seemed dim,
‘Cause his Mary was PG, though–he knew–not by him.
But a dream and an angel cured him of his fears
So that even in distant Faloop, in Algiers,
Glad tidings were heard there–the best news in years.

From Yreka, Poughkeepsie, and Kalamazoo,
To Nome, East McKeesport, and far Katmandu–
Bring in Noel and yuletide and cheer
And see how the Light of the world draws near!
So let’s greet the Christ child–no humbug, no bah,
But lift up your glasses with an al-le-lu-ia!

So things were patched up between Mary and Joe
(Though the way neighbors talked still made them feel low)
But it just didn’t matter to either of them,
‘Cause the tax man had called them to Beth-eh-le-hem.
Joe hoisted up Mary on his donkey named Snout
(Who took a whole fortnight to travel the route
That a droozle could make in an hour or two)
Which explains Joe and Mary’s slight rooming snafu.
Yet even in distant Shabingo-Laneer,
Glad tidings were heard there–the best news in years!


Meanwhile, in an overplushed palace of marble,
All quarried by slaves in Fandango-Goobarble
(Who chip on the white stone with hammers ball peen
While their bosses talk only in Powerpoint screens)
In that grand marble palace sat Herod the Great,
Sipping decaf espresso la mocha latté.
He hoodwinked the magi to spy unawares,
Who returned to the trail toward the babe in Pampers.
So even in downtown Chicago, at Sears,
Glad tidings were heard there–the best news in years!


The rest of the story you’ve known for a while,
How the tyke in his Pampers soon left for the Nile.
He then came back home, with his folks and a tan,
And grew up to redeem every woman and man.
So that even in Thessalonica’s frontier,
Glad tidings were heard there–the best news in years!