Holidays

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

by pfitz
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother ... Read More

Halloween Rules

by pfitz
=> When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead. => Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. => Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. => If your children speak to you in Latin or ... Read More

The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

by pfitz
My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25 What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily ========================================================== Beloved Edward, Dec 26 The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree ... Read More

Twas the Night Before Christmas – Military Style

by pfitz
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds, As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads. Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube, And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so ... Read More

Twas the Day after Christmas

by pfitz
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting — even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new ... Read More

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

by pfitz
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What We Hear? DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and… PARANOID: Santa ... Read More

Halloween Riddles

by pfitz
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ What’s a ghost’s favorite Mother Goose Story? Little Boo Peep ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Why do ... Read More

Halloween Party

by pfitz
This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back. “What the heck are you?” asks the host. “I’m a snail,” says the guy. “But… you have a girl on your back,” replies the host. “Yeah, he says, “that’s Michelle!”

Cemetery Scare

by pfitz
One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, ... Read More

Holiday Wishes (Court Brief #876)

by pfitz
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions ... Read More