pfitz

The X(mas) Files

by pfitz
Mulder: We’re too late. It’s already been here. Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing. Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. Scully: You really think someone’s been ... Read More

Twas the Night Before Christmas – Redneck Style

by pfitz
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailerNot a creature was stirrin’ ‘cept a redneck named Taylor.His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,And a-runnin’ down his chin was a trickle of spittle.His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,And therefore there was a foul stench in the air. That ... Read More

Shipwrecked

by pfitz
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, “We’re going to die! We’re going to die! There’s no food! No water! We’re going to die!” The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it ... Read More

Things Moms Don’t Say

by pfitz
~ “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?” ~ “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.” ~ “Just leave all the lights on… it makes the house look more cheery.” ~ “Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it’s good for another week.” ~ “Go ahead and keep that ... Read More

Grinch Test

by pfitz
TEST TO SEE IF YOU’RE A GRINCH 1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points) 2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points; 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out) 3. You have ... Read More

Twas the Night of Thanksgiving

by pfitz
Twas the night of Thanksgiving,But I just couldn’t sleep.I tried counting backwards,I tried counting sheepThe leftovers beckonedThe dark meat and white,But I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation,The thought of a snack became infatuation!So I raced to the kitchen,Flung open the door,And gazed at the fridge full of ... Read More

Signs You’re Overdoing Thanksgiving

by pfitz
~ Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. ~ Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. ~ You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis. ~ You spill more food on yourself than the local soup kitchen dispenses. ~ Paramedics ... Read More

Black November

by pfitz
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,And he told me there was something that I had to know;His look and his tone I will always remember,When he told me of the horrors of… Black ... Read More

Real World Laws

by pfitz
Murphy’s Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. O’Toole’s Commentary on Murphy’s Law: Murphy was an incurable optimist. The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something … if it’s good, it goes away; if it’s bad, it happens. The First Law of Theatre: Everything will take longer than it really should.The Second Law ... Read More

Strange But True Facts

by pfitz
* The Andy Griffth Show was the first spin-off in TV history. It wasa spin-off of the Danny Thomas Show. * Goat’s eyes have rectangular pupils. * Walt Disney’s autograph bears no resemblance to the famous Disneylogo. * Other than humans, black lemurs are the only primates that may haveblue eyes. * The United States ... Read More