pfitz

Police Quotes

by pfitz
Here are some quote from police officers: “The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.” “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” “So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?” “Yes ... Read More

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

by pfitz
Here are some things you would never know without the movies: -It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the ... Read More

Deep Thoughts

by pfitz
I can’t seem to find the source (maybe in a newspaper?), but a few years ago there was a contest for people to submit their own versions of “deep thoughts,” playing off the “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy” quotes from National Lampoon and Saturday Night Live. These are some of the submissions: HONORABLE MENTIONS: My ... Read More

Christmas in the Hood

by pfitz
Twas da night befo’ Christmas and all in the hoodNot a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.The tube socks was hung on the window silland we all had smiles up on our grill.Mookie and BeBe was snug in the cribin the back bedroom cuz that’s how we liveand moms in her do rag ... Read More

A Punny Musical Story

by pfitz
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not ... Read More

The Distraction Cure for Hiccups

by pfitz
The Distraction Method for Curing Hiccups. It has long been known that hiccups often go away simply by being distracted. However, in more severe cases, more severe distraction may be called for. For this particular approach, find a swimsuit, a blindfold, a local exotic pet delivery service, and the tallest unfinished construction project in your ... Read More

Musical Terms

by pfitz
Here are some musical terms that are commonly misunderstood by Country-Western musicians with their translated “Country” (or redneck, if you prefer) definitions: 12-Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailor truck with. A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville. Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama’s cherry pie. Altos: Not to be ... Read More

Memo from Accounting

by pfitz
TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING Much to our dismay, it has recently come to our attention that many of our employees have been turning in timesheets specifying an unusually large amount of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). Within the Accounting Department, unproductive time isn’t a problem. However, what is a problem is not knowing exactly ... Read More

Fun with Telemarketers

by pfitz
(Author and date unknown) One of the things that has always bugged me and I’m sure it has most of you too, is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them, as they ... Read More