pfitz

Where You Live

by pfitz
YOU MIGHT LIVE IN CALIFORNIA IF: 1. You make over $250,000 a year and you still can’t afford to buy a house. 2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. ... Read More

Driving Penguins

by pfitz
A motorcycle cop sees a guy in a station wagon loaded with penguins. The cop, sensing something suspicious, immediately pulls the station wagon over. “You can’t drive around with all those penguins,” he tells the man. “You need to take them to the zoo.” “Good idea,” replies the driver. The cop then lets him drive ... Read More

Lawyers

by pfitz
A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. He asks the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Yes, we do!” “Good. Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

Panda in a Bar

by pfitz
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a drink and some peanuts. After eating some nuts, he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, “HEY! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!!” The panda turns around and yells “Yes I can. Look me ... Read More

Some Jewish Quotes

by pfitz
Here are some good quotes provided by some famous Jewish people. They’re not really about religion, but they do demonstrate the stereotypical Jewish perspective on life. – – – – – – – – – – – – “Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into ... Read More

Talking Dog

by pfitz
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guy says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on,” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the ... Read More

Bar Wars

by pfitz
The Star Wars text crawl walks into a bar. “Get outta my pub!” the bartender yells. “We don’t serve your type here.” Luke walks into the Mos Eisley cantina, cradling a slab of dirt in his arms. “What’ll it be?” asks the barman. “A pint for me, and one for the road.” The Death Star’s ... Read More

Male and Female Nouns

by pfitz
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions: SWISS ARMY KNIFE — male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, ... Read More

Top 10 Signs You’re on a Bad Date

by pfitz
Here are the Top Ten Signs you’re on a bad date: 10. He eats his steak with his fingers and uses the fork to scratch his armpits. 9. During the movie, you notice she’s holding hands with the guy on her other side. 8. She says, “I’ll probably finish my dinner before you since I ... Read More

Shot Down in a Blaze of Glory

by pfitz
A photographer for a prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a humongous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements, and assured him the plane would be started and ... Read More