pfitz

Some Jewish Quotes

by pfitz
Here are some good quotes provided by some famous Jewish people. They’re not really about religion, but they do demonstrate the stereotypical Jewish perspective on life. – – – – – – – – – – – – “Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into ... Read More

Talking Dog

by pfitz
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guy says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on,” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the ... Read More

Bar Wars

by pfitz
The Star Wars text crawl walks into a bar. “Get outta my pub!” the bartender yells. “We don’t serve your type here.” Luke walks into the Mos Eisley cantina, cradling a slab of dirt in his arms. “What’ll it be?” asks the barman. “A pint for me, and one for the road.” The Death Star’s ... Read More

Male and Female Nouns

by pfitz
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions: SWISS ARMY KNIFE — male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, ... Read More

Top 10 Signs You’re on a Bad Date

by pfitz
Here are the Top Ten Signs you’re on a bad date: 10. He eats his steak with his fingers and uses the fork to scratch his armpits. 9. During the movie, you notice she’s holding hands with the guy on her other side. 8. She says, “I’ll probably finish my dinner before you since I ... Read More

Shot Down in a Blaze of Glory

by pfitz
A photographer for a prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a humongous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements, and assured him the plane would be started and ... Read More

The Eight Worst Convenience Foods

by pfitz
These are real foods, with the manufacturer names included in parentheses after the product names. Not my descriptions, but they’re still funny. And kinda queasy-making. 8. Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed ... Read More

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Bass

by pfitz
Top 10 Reasons for Being a Bass 10) You don’t have to tighten your shorts to reach your note. 9) You don’t have to worry about a woman stealing your job. 8) Or a pre-adolescent boy. 7) Action heroes are always Basses. That is, if they ever sang, they would sing bass. 6) You get ... Read More

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor

by pfitz
Top 10 Reasons for Being a Tenor 10) Tenors get high — without drugs. 9) Name a musical where the Bass got the girl. 8) You can show the Sopranos how it SHOULD be sung. 7) Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 for a ticket to see “The Three Basses?” 6) Who needs ... Read More

Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto

by pfitz
Top 10 Reasons for Being an Alto 10) You get really good at singing E flat. 9) You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures. 8) You don’t really need to warm up to sing 12 consecutive bars of E-flat. 7) If the choir really sucks, it’s unlikely the Altos will be ... Read More