Holidays

Twas the Night Before Christmas – Redneck Style

by pfitz
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailerNot a creature was stirrin’ ‘cept a redneck named Taylor.His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,And a-runnin’ down his chin was a trickle of spittle.His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,And therefore there was a foul stench in the air. That ... Read More

Grinch Test

by pfitz
TEST TO SEE IF YOU’RE A GRINCH 1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points) 2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points; 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out) 3. You have ... Read More

Twas the Night of Thanksgiving

by pfitz
Twas the night of Thanksgiving,But I just couldn’t sleep.I tried counting backwards,I tried counting sheepThe leftovers beckonedThe dark meat and white,But I fought the temptation with all of my might. Tossing and turning with anticipation,The thought of a snack became infatuation!So I raced to the kitchen,Flung open the door,And gazed at the fridge full of ... Read More

Signs You’re Overdoing Thanksgiving

by pfitz
~ Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. ~ Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. ~ You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis. ~ You spill more food on yourself than the local soup kitchen dispenses. ~ Paramedics ... Read More

Black November

by pfitz
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,And he told me there was something that I had to know;His look and his tone I will always remember,When he told me of the horrors of… Black ... Read More

Innappropriate Christmas Gifts

by pfitz
A couple years ago, the Washington Post-Style Invitational Challenge for the week was to come up with a terribly inappropriate Christmas gift idea. 4th runner up: Li’l Naturalist Hornet Farm 3rd runner up: A Pee-wee Herman pull toy 2nd runner up: The Duncan Yo – Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties. 1st ... Read More

Family Crisis

by pfitz
THE FAMILY CRISISCopyright 2002 W. Bruce Cameronhttp://www.wbrucecameron.com My wife is called out of town on a family emergency. I gather the children together–families, when confronted with a crisis, find that it draws them all closer. “We’ll all have to pitch in and help,” I proclaim solemnly. “I hate living here,” my older daughter fumes. I ... Read More

Twas the Night before Christmas, Legally Speaking

by pfitz
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur ata certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) ageneral lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but notlimited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had beenaffixed by and around the chimney in said House ... Read More

Christmas Letter from the Mother-in-Law

by pfitz
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I ... Read More

A Klingon Christmas Carol

by pfitz
A Christmas Carol from Worf, to the tune of “The Christmas Song”(“Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”): Phasers flashing in the depths of space,Ripping up an airtight hull;Signs of fear on your enemy’s face,And life support signs reading null!Ev’rybody knows a Romulan’s a spineless foeWho lacks the Klingon will to fight!Phaser beams set his torso ... Read More