Food

The Eight Worst Convenience Foods

by pfitz
These are real foods, with the manufacturer names included in parentheses after the product names. Not my descriptions, but they’re still funny. And kinda queasy-making. 8. Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed ... Read More

Thanksgiving Movies

by pfitz
A countdown of funny movie titles renamed for Thanksgiving 14: To Kill A Walking Bird 13: My Best Friend’s Dressing 12: The Texas Coleslaw Massacre 11: Casserolablanca 10: The Fabulous Baster Boys  9: 12 Hungry Men  8: Silence of the Yams  7: For Love of The Game Hen  6: I Know What You Ate Last ... Read More

Strawberries

by pfitz
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A child playing in front of his house saw him and called, “What are you hauling?” “Fertilizer,” the farmer replied. “What are you going to do with it?” asked the child. “Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer. “You ought to live here,” ... Read More

Grilling Out

by pfitz
Grilling out: it’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman “fixes” the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places ... Read More

A Potato Story

by pfitz
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato hadeyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a littlesweet potato, whom they called ‘Yam.’ Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they toldher about the facts of life. They warned her about going out ... Read More

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

by pfitz
Patron: Waiter!Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support.Waiter. What seems to be the problem?Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.Patron: No, it’s still there.Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.Patron: Even when ... Read More

Signs You’re Overdoing Thanksgiving

by pfitz
~ Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. ~ Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall. ~ You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis. ~ You spill more food on yourself than the local soup kitchen dispenses. ~ Paramedics ... Read More

Black November

by pfitz
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,And he told me there was something that I had to know;His look and his tone I will always remember,When he told me of the horrors of… Black ... Read More

Shelter from the Storm

by pfitz
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The ... Read More

Avian Revenge

by pfitz
Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I’m capable of!