Employment

The Plan

by pfitz
In the beginning, there was The Plan.Then came the assumptions,and the assumptions were without form, and the plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the workers,and they spoke amongst themselves saying,“It is a crock of shit and it stinketh mightily.” And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said,“It is a pile ... Read More

Jobs I’ve Tried

by pfitz
My first job was working in a juice factory,but I got canned . . . couldn’t concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack…I couldn’t hack it; they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’tsuited for it. Mostly ’cause it was a so-so job. ... Read More

Mistakes on Resumes

by pfitz
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples: “My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.” “Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.” “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain ... Read More

Elementronics

by pfitz
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composedof 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistantvice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going roundin circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does notdecay but institutes a series ... Read More

A Balloon Pfunny

by pfitz
A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range. “Excuse me,” he shouted. “Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man ... Read More

Letter of Recommendation

by pfitz
Letter of Recommendation – While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found himworking studiously and sincerely at his table withoutgossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldomwastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he alwaysfinishes the given assignment in time. He is alwaysdeeply engrossed in his official work, and can never befound ... Read More

Impressing the Boss

by pfitz
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEOstanding in front of the company shredder with a piece of paper inhand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is very important, and my secretary’salready left. Can you make this thing work?” “Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on,inserted the ... Read More

How to Attend a Meeting

by pfitz
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. “Hi,” you should say. “I’m a new employee. What is the name of my job?” If they answer “long-range planner” or “lieutenant governor,” you are pretty much ... Read More

The Plan

by pfitz
In the beginning was the plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was completely without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke amongst themselves, saying, “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.” And the Workers went unto their Supervisors ... Read More

Memo from Accounting

by pfitz
TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING Much to our dismay, it has recently come to our attention that many of our employees have been turning in timesheets specifying an unusually large amount of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). Within the Accounting Department, unproductive time isn’t a problem. However, what is a problem is not knowing exactly ... Read More