Animals

The Old Navy Parrot

by pfitz
The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot. First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.” The old chief told the parrot, ... Read More

How to Catch a White Elephant

by pfitz
Go to any place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure ... Read More

Buying a Parrot

by pfitz
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs $500.” “Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered. The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.” The man asked ... Read More

Top Ten Signs That You’re at a Bad Zoo

by pfitz
When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. The ... Read More

Feline Physics

by pfitz
Law of Cat Inertia – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion – A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason ... Read More

The Cowboy’s Horse

by pfitz
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking ... Read More

Did You See That?

by pfitz
Did you see that? “No,” the second guy says. “Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,” the first guy says. “Oh,” says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, “Did you see that?” “See what?” the second guy asks. “Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on ... Read More

Smart Dog

by pfitz
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. “An’ wot’s this then?” he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins. “You dumb dog.” As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices ... Read More