Animals

An Unusual Pet

by pfitz
Apretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took ... Read More

An Anteater Pfunny

by pfitz
An anteater walks into a bar and says that he’d like a drink. “Okay,” says the bartender. “How about a beer?” “Noooooooooo,” replies the anteater. “Then how about a gin and tonic?” “Noooooooooo.” “A martini?” “Noooooooooo.” Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, “Hey, listen buddy, if you don’t mind me asking, why the long ... Read More

Avian Revenge

by pfitz
Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I’m capable of!

Buying a Cat

by pfitz
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for ... Read More

Driving Penguins

by pfitz
A motorcycle cop sees a guy in a station wagon loaded with penguins. The cop, sensing something suspicious, immediately pulls the station wagon over. “You can’t drive around with all those penguins,” he tells the man. “You need to take them to the zoo.” “Good idea,” replies the driver. The cop then lets him drive ... Read More

Lawyers

by pfitz
A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. He asks the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Yes, we do!” “Good. Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

Panda in a Bar

by pfitz
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a drink and some peanuts. After eating some nuts, he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, “HEY! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!!” The panda turns around and yells “Yes I can. Look me ... Read More

Talking Dog

by pfitz
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guy says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on,” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the ... Read More

Ten Ways You Can Tell When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease

by pfitz
10) Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. 9) She refuses to let you milk her, saying, “Not on a first date.” 8) Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears. 7) She gets silicone implants for her udders. 6) She appears on Oprah, ... Read More