pfitz

Things a Dog Must Remember

by pfitz
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff even though I haven’t got a chance to rip the bag to shreds to see what was in it. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake ... Read More

Thanksgiving Movies

by pfitz
A countdown of funny movie titles renamed for Thanksgiving 14: To Kill A Walking Bird 13: My Best Friend’s Dressing 12: The Texas Coleslaw Massacre 11: Casserolablanca 10: The Fabulous Baster Boys  9: 12 Hungry Men  8: Silence of the Yams  7: For Love of The Game Hen  6: I Know What You Ate Last ... Read More

The Problems Start

by pfitz
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before problems start!” Then the man orders another beer again, saying, “Give me a beer before problems start!” The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When ... Read More

Strawberries

by pfitz
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A child playing in front of his house saw him and called, “What are you hauling?” “Fertilizer,” the farmer replied. “What are you going to do with it?” asked the child. “Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer. “You ought to live here,” ... Read More

Bear Walks into a Bar

by pfitz
A bear walks in to a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin and… tonic.”The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”The bear looks down for a second and says, “I don’t know, I guess I was just born this way.”

Talking Dog

by pfitz
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, ... Read More

Dog Wisdom

by pfitz
1) The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous 2) Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers 3) If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will ... Read More

Grilling Out

by pfitz
Grilling out: it’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman “fixes” the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places ... Read More

Olaf the Norseman

by pfitz
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.“What’s the matter?” asks Olaf.“Oh,” sobs the old lady. “I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.”“No problem,” says ... Read More