pfitz

Good Eyes

by pfitz
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up. “My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes ... Read More

The First Witness

by pfitz
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a ... Read More

Jewish Quotes

by pfitz
“Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the only place in the Middle East that has no oil!” ~ Golda Meir – – – – – – – – – – – – “Bankruptcy is a legal ... Read More

New Kind of Car

by pfitz
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. “Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?”one asked. “He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car,” his co-worker replied. “How was he going to do it?” “He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats ... Read More

Go Forth and Multiply

by pfitz
After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the animals to leave, he told the animals to “go forth and multiply.” All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark. “Why can’t you go forth and multiply?” demanded Noah. “We can’t,” ... Read More

Potato Puns

by pfitz
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato? Boiling Mad. Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop. What ... Read More

Fast Drinker

by pfitz
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?” The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and ... Read More

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

by pfitz
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother ... Read More

Truisms about Cats and Dogs

by pfitz
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. Cat’s motto: No ... Read More

Making Kids Wait

by pfitz
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car. “What took you so long, son?” he asked. ... Read More