pfitz

The Eight Worst Convenience Foods

by pfitz
These are real foods, with the manufacturer names included in parentheses after the product names. Not my descriptions, but they’re still funny. And kinda queasy-making. 8. Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed ... Read More

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Bass

by pfitz
Top 10 Reasons for Being a Bass 10) You don’t have to tighten your shorts to reach your note. 9) You don’t have to worry about a woman stealing your job. 8) Or a pre-adolescent boy. 7) Action heroes are always Basses. That is, if they ever sang, they would sing bass. 6) You get ... Read More

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor

by pfitz
Top 10 Reasons for Being a Tenor 10) Tenors get high — without drugs. 9) Name a musical where the Bass got the girl. 8) You can show the Sopranos how it SHOULD be sung. 7) Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 for a ticket to see “The Three Basses?” 6) Who needs ... Read More

Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto

by pfitz
Top 10 Reasons for Being an Alto 10) You get really good at singing E flat. 9) You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures. 8) You don’t really need to warm up to sing 12 consecutive bars of E-flat. 7) If the choir really sucks, it’s unlikely the Altos will be ... Read More

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Soprano

by pfitz
Top 10 Reasons for Being a Soprano 10) The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good. 9) You can entertain your friends by breaking their wine glasses. 8) Can you name an opera where an Alto got the man? 7) When Sopranos want to sing in the shower, they know the ... Read More

An Elderly Pfunny

by pfitz
Three elderly ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on ... Read More

Bad Day

by pfitz
“You Know It’s a Bad Day When…” The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. You have an appointment in 10 minutes, and you just woke up. You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: “WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!” You see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your ... Read More

An Army Pfunny

by pfitz
A drill sergeant had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant he said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The kid said, “Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I’d never stand in another line.”

Some Tough Questions

by pfitz
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? Is it okay to use the AM radio after noon? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes? ... Read More

Bar Accents

by pfitz
I was in a London pub on Saturday night. I’d had a few drinks when I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?” One of them turned to me and screamed, “It’s WALES, you idiot!” So I immediately apologized, ... Read More