pfitz

Some Humorous Quotes

by pfitz
“Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.” – Matt Groening “With a stop light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ’slow down’. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means ‘go’, green means ‘whoa, slow down’, ... Read More

Gambling Grandpa

by pfitz
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS ... Read More

Musical Lightbulb-Changing

by pfitz
There are many websites that list jokes about musicians. Here are all lightbulb-related ones I could find on a variety of websites. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? One to hold the lightbulb while the world revolves around her. or Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ... Read More

Mistletoe at the Airport

by pfitz
It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in ... Read More

Christmas Gift Traditions

by pfitz
This supposedly is from a true story–I don’t recall the source. Thisbeats the stories of the same fruitcake(s) being given back and forthfor years…. Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pairof pants as a Christmas present for 11 years–and each time thepackage gets harder to open. This year the pants came ... Read More

Christmas Downsizing

by pfitz
Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to lookfor better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, thefollowing economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days ofChristmas” subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out tobe the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hangingplant, ... Read More

I’m Fine

by pfitz
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hotshot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…” “I didn’t ask for ... Read More

An Unusual Pet

by pfitz
Apretty lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took ... Read More

An Anteater Pfunny

by pfitz
An anteater walks into a bar and says that he’d like a drink. “Okay,” says the bartender. “How about a beer?” “Noooooooooo,” replies the anteater. “Then how about a gin and tonic?” “Noooooooooo.” “A martini?” “Noooooooooo.” Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, “Hey, listen buddy, if you don’t mind me asking, why the long ... Read More

Avian Revenge

by pfitz
Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I’m capable of!