pfitz

The First Church of Football

by pfitz
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases: BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction. BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting. COACH: The children’s Christmas program director. ASSISTANT ... Read More

New Dog Breeds

by pfitz
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + ... Read More

Jazzing It Up

by pfitz
A vocalist to his keyboard player: “I’d like to do ‘My Funny Valentine’ again tonight, but can you think of a way to ‘jazz it up’?” Keyboard player replies, “Sure. We can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus, add a bar of 5/4 time just ... Read More

Murphy’s Other 15 Laws

by pfitz
Murphy’s Other 15 Laws (culled from many sources) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. ... Read More

Religious Cowboy

by pfitz
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a goose walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the goose’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a ... Read More

Hospital News

by pfitz
A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there’s good news and bad news. The guy asks for the bad news first. The nurse says, “We’re going to have to remove your legs.” Then the guy asks for the good news. The nurse says, “The ... Read More

Old West Dog

by pfitz
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He gives a mean look around the room as everyone gets quiet. Then he says, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw!”

The Clerk and the Cougher

by pfitz
A high school student is working his first day in a pharmacy when he’s approached by a customer who asks for something to cure his cough. The boy hands him a box of laxatives, telling him to take them all at once. The man follows his orders, walks out of the drug store and leans ... Read More

How to Attend a Meeting

by pfitz
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. “Hi,” you should say. “I’m a new employee. What is the name of my job?” If they answer “long-range planner” or “lieutenant governor,” you are pretty much ... Read More

Snake in the House

by pfitz
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Rockwall, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake ... Read More