pfitz

Christmas Letter from the Mother-in-Law

by pfitz
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I ... Read More

Tom Said

by pfitz
“I can’t believe I ate that whole pineapple!” Tom said dolefully. “That’s the last time I’ll ever pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly. “I dropped the toothpaste,” Tom said, crestfallen. “I’ll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!” Tom said, beside himself. “That’s the third electric shock I’ve gotten this week!” Tom said, revolted. “I’m ... Read More

Help in Time of Need

by pfitz
A man is in bed with his wife when there is knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” ... Read More

Collar Problems

by pfitz
In medieval England, it was the custom for the heir to the throne to wear a fancy ruffled collar known as a ruff. One particular heir wore an exceptionally fancy ruff known as a “dandy,” which blocked his vision so that he kept tripping and falling.   This proves that dandy ruffs cause falling heirs.

The First Church of Football

by pfitz
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases: BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction. BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting. COACH: The children’s Christmas program director. ASSISTANT ... Read More

New Dog Breeds

by pfitz
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + ... Read More

Jazzing It Up

by pfitz
A vocalist to his keyboard player: “I’d like to do ‘My Funny Valentine’ again tonight, but can you think of a way to ‘jazz it up’?” Keyboard player replies, “Sure. We can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus, add a bar of 5/4 time just ... Read More

Murphy’s Other 15 Laws

by pfitz
Murphy’s Other 15 Laws (culled from many sources) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. ... Read More

Religious Cowboy

by pfitz
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a goose walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the goose’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a ... Read More

Hospital News

by pfitz
A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there’s good news and bad news. The guy asks for the bad news first. The nurse says, “We’re going to have to remove your legs.” Then the guy asks for the good news. The nurse says, “The ... Read More