Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift and such a lovely surprise!
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1994
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1994
Dearest John:
Oh aren’t you the extravagant one! I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity 3 French hens. They are adorable but I must insist–please, you’ve been much too kind.
Love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1994
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1994
Dearest John:
What a wonderful surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings. One for every finger. You’re impossible but I love it! Frankly, all those birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1994
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1994
John:
What is it with you and these frigging birds?!! Seven Swans-a-Swimming?!! Are you kidding?! What kind of sick joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and the incessant honking is driving me nuts. I can’t sleep at night–I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny, so stop with the crummy birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds! What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids-a-milking?! It’s not enough that the good for nothing postman delivered 8 maids to join those miserable birds, but he brought their cows as well! There is manure all over my house and I can’t take a safe step any more! I have a splitting headache, thank you very much.
Just lay off me smart guy,
Agnes
P.S. I hocked the rings to buy bird food and hay.
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1994
You Mullethead!!
What are you some kind of sadist? That rotten postman delivered 9 pipers playing, and I do mean playing–they’ve been playing around with the maids since they arrived. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds!!! What am I going to do? The neighbors are talking eviction. I’m sicking the police on you.
You’ll get yours,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1994
You Rotten Jerk,
Yes, I received your latest gift delivered by your partner in this devious plot–the postman. Ten ladies dancing… Hah Hah, ver-r-r-ry funny. I don’t know why I call those tramps ladies–they’ve been mauling the pipers all night long. My living room is a lake of manure and bird crap. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’ve called the police on you.
One who means it.
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994
Listen Meathead,
Oh yes, that postman–that devil in postal uniform–delivered the eleven lords-a-leaping… you sicko. And they have been leaping, yes sir. On the maids, the ladies, on anything that moves!! They ran through the maids and ladies and then went on to roping the cows!!! All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death during the rodeo. I hope you’re happy you rotten vicious swine. I’m working on a revenge for you and your delivery buddy.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McWholestein. The destruction, of course, was complete. The postman is slowly recovering from the unfortunate attack he received at the hands of Miss McWholestein upon receipt of the fiddlers, although he remains terrified of Christmas deliveries. All further correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to contact Miss McWholestein at Spring Shadows Glen Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole