The Distraction Cure for Hiccups

The Distraction Method for Curing Hiccups.

It has long been known that hiccups often go away simply by being distracted. However, in more severe cases, more severe distraction may be called for.

For this particular approach, find a swimsuit, a blindfold, a local exotic pet delivery service, and the tallest unfinished construction project in your area. Go to the construction site late between the hours of 1 to 3 am, when you are least likely to disturb workers. It is a little known fact that most construction area gate padlocks, while appearing locked, are usually in fact unlocked to accommodate early arriving employees and deliveries in the morning. It is another little known fact that as an inside joke known and understood only by construction companies, the elevator codes for sky scraper construction projects is nearly always 5871.

The large box of tarantulas and assorted smaller spiders may be placed on the elevator, next to the bagged snakes but away from the box of a dozen rats and mice, as the venom could kill the mammals. Tarantulas due usually stay away from skunks but it should be kept separate at this point as well.

When you arrive at the highest level in which there are free narrow steel beams, you can begin the final preparatory stages of the distraction method to stop hiccups.

First, carry the bag of snakes out to the far edge of the steel beam. Be careful as they will be shifting and moving, making balance difficult so far up above the hard and unforgiving cement streets below. Let the snakes out of the bag, and walk back to the elevator, quickly so that you don’t lose your nerve.

Then carry the skunk, mice, and rats still in their boxes, back onto the steel beam, about 5 feet from where the snakes are slithering towards you. You can stack the three boxes to save time, if you can see either above them or around the side.

Then run back for the box of assorted spiders. Leave this box about 10 feed from where you left the snakes, and about five feet from the rodents. Standing towards the middle of the beam, go ahead and tip the box of spiders on its side towards you. Then move a few feet to the middle, and sit down, with the skunk snake-side and the rats and mice spider-side.

Sitting as comfortably as possible in a swimsuit on a hard steel beam with your legs dangling a few hundred feet above the ground, put on the blindfold.

Reach over and tip the remaining boxes on their side, facing towards you. Open the lids (if you leave them right side up and open the lids, the skunk, mice and rats are likely to hop out, to find themselves in an unpleasant free fall culminating in unexpected surprises for passersby far below).

Now, while rubbing your stomach circularly in one direction, and your head in the opposite direction, count down from 1000, in multiples of threes, all the way down to 0. Then go to -1000 and count back to 0 again. Whatever you might feel crawling over your skin, DON’T remove the blindfold. Also remember that spiders can be very, very slippery. If you lose your concentration and forget what number you are on, simply begin again. You will not be thinking very much about your hiccups at this point, and this can help them to cease. When you are finished counting, remove the blindfold and use it similar to a bull fighter’s cape to urge the remaining pets back into their respective boxes. When finished, hop up and carry all of the boxes back into the elevator.

If hiccups are still present, repeat. After the third time, discontinue method and consult a physician immediately.

Disclaimer: This hiccup cure is for entertainment purposes only and should not be construed as actual medical advice in lieu of meeting with a trained stuntperson-on-the-top-of-a-construction-site professional. If you attempt any of these methods, side effects may include but may not be limited to mild to severe cessation of vital signs and related functions such as being alive.