Here are some musical terms that are commonly misunderstood by Country-Western musicians with their translated “Country” (or redneck, if you prefer) definitions:
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- 12-Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailor truck with.
- A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville.
- Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama’s cherry pie.
- Altos: Not to be confused with “Tom’s toes,” “Bubba’s toes” or “Dori-toes.”
- Arpeggio: “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”
- Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
- Bass: The things you run around in Softball.
- Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch and when.
- Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
- Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.
- Cadenza: The ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off when company comes.
- Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.
- Clarinet: Name for your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo.
- Clef: What you try to never fall off of.
- Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off.
- Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
- Cut Time: Parole.
- Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
- Diminished 5th: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
- 1st Inversion: Grandpa’s battle group at Normandy.
- Major Scale: What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain; “Whew!” That was a major scale!”
- Melodic Minor: Loretta Lynn’s singing dad.
- Minor 3rd: Your approximate age & grade at the completion of formal schooling.
- Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.
- Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
- Perfect 5th: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
- Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
- Pianissimo: “Refill this beer bottle.”
- Portamento: A foreign country you’ve always wanted to see.
- 1/4 tone: What most standard pickups can haul.
- Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.
- Relative Minor: A girlfriend.
- Repeat: What you do until they just expel you.
- Ritard: There’s one in every family.
- Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
- Staccato: How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home.
- Tempo: Good choice for a used car.
- Time Signature: What you need from your boss if your forget to clock in.
- Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.
- Treble: Women ain’t nothin’ but.
- Tuba: A compound word: “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”
- Whole Note: What’s due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.