“Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.” – Matt Groening
“With a stop light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ’slow down’. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means ‘go’, green means ‘whoa, slow down’, and red means ‘where the heck did you get that banana?’” – Mitch Hedberg
“If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.” – Paul Beatty
“If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.” – Doug Larson
“Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.” – H.H. Williams
“I hope that when I die, people say about me, ‘Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.’” – Jack Handey
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
“From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” – Groucho Marx
“Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.” – P.J. O’Rourke