Language

Talking Dog

by pfitz
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guy says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on,” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the ... Read More

Male and Female Nouns

by pfitz
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions: SWISS ARMY KNIFE — male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, ... Read More

Bar Accents

by pfitz
I was in a London pub on Saturday night. I’d had a few drinks when I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?” One of them turned to me and screamed, “It’s WALES, you idiot!” So I immediately apologized, ... Read More

Deep Thoughts

by pfitz
I can’t seem to find the source (maybe in a newspaper?), but a few years ago there was a contest for people to submit their own versions of “deep thoughts,” playing off the “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy” quotes from National Lampoon and Saturday Night Live. These are some of the submissions: HONORABLE MENTIONS: My ... Read More

A Punny Musical Story

by pfitz
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not ... Read More

Ironic Banshees

by pfitz
This was taken from the Dilbert Newsletter of August 29, 2003. It’s great for reading out loud to a friend. Ironic Banshees You’ve probably heard the old saying, “She screamed like a banshee.” I didn’t learn much about banshees in school but I deduce that they are dead people who scream loudly. That seems unpleasant ... Read More

What’s in a Name?

by pfitz
So an Indian chief was with his young son, who asked: “Father, how did I get my name?” “Well, my child, when your older brother was born, I looked out of the tepee and saw a flying eagle, so I called him Flying Eagle. When your sister was born, I looked outside and saw a ... Read More

Some Perspective

by pfitz
Here’s something to give you little perspective: Pythagorean Theorem: 24 words The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words The 10 Commandments: 179 words The Gettysburg Address: 286 words The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

A Cat Tongue-Twister

by pfitz
See if you can do this. Read it out loud, as fast as possible without mistakes. (It’s supposedly one of Dr. Seuss’s lost tongue twisters. Yeah, right!) This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is sucker cat ... Read More

A Language Pfunny

by pfitz
What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual What do you call someone who speaks 3 or more languages? Multilingual What do you call someone who speaks only one language? An American!