pfitz

Country Song Titles

by pfitz
Readers of a New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries: – Ain’t No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out – You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa – Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart ... Read More

Extreme Rednecks

by pfitz
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. Someone in your family ... Read More

Halloween Rules

by pfitz
=> When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead. => Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. => Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. => If your children speak to you in Latin or ... Read More

Three Vampires Walk into a Bar

by pfitz
Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they’ll have. The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) “I’ll have a glass of O Positive.” The second vampire says, “I’ll have a glass of AB Negative.” The third vampire says, “I’m the designated driver. I’ll just have a ... Read More

Oreo Personality Test

by pfitz
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos: 1. The whole thing all at once 2. One bite at a time 3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite afterwards 4. ... Read More

Rules for Women

by pfitz
1. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. 2. Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. 3. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and ... Read More

The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

by pfitz
My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25 What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily ========================================================== Beloved Edward, Dec 26 The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree ... Read More

Twas the Night Before Christmas – Military Style

by pfitz
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds, As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads. Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube, And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so ... Read More

Twas the Day after Christmas

by pfitz
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting — even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new ... Read More

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

by pfitz
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What We Hear? DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and… PARANOID: Santa ... Read More