pfitz

Signs You Need to Do the Laundry

by pfitz
Here are some signs you really need to do the laundry: You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently. You’ve worn your sheets to school because you can’t get them off of you. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie “Outbreak” to avoid ... Read More

List of Rejected Children’s Books

by pfitz
You Are Different and That’s Bad The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence All Cats Go to Hell The ... Read More

Lost in the Desert

by pfitz
A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he’s lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, “Mush! Mush!” Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time — ... Read More

A Giraffe?

by pfitz
This fellow and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe goes to sleep on the floor. The bartender says, “Hey! What’s that lyin’ there?” The fellow says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe!”

Ironic Banshees

by pfitz
This was taken from the Dilbert Newsletter of August 29, 2003. It’s great for reading out loud to a friend. Ironic Banshees You’ve probably heard the old saying, “She screamed like a banshee.” I didn’t learn much about banshees in school but I deduce that they are dead people who scream loudly. That seems unpleasant ... Read More

What’s in a Name?

by pfitz
So an Indian chief was with his young son, who asked: “Father, how did I get my name?” “Well, my child, when your older brother was born, I looked out of the tepee and saw a flying eagle, so I called him Flying Eagle. When your sister was born, I looked outside and saw a ... Read More

Cowboy Advice

by pfitz
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction. Don’t squat with your spurs on. Don’t judge people by their relatives. Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. Talk slowly, think quickly. Don’t worry about ... Read More

Waiter Question

by pfitz
A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant. “May I take your order, sir?” he asked. “Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens,” the man replied. “Oh, it’s nothing too special, sir,” the waiter confided. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

Einstein Quotes

by pfitz
All these quotes are from Albert Einstein ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” “The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.” “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” “Try not to become a man ... Read More

Good Advice from Kids

by pfitz
“Never trust a dog to watch your food.” -Patrick, age 10 “When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ Don’t answer.” -Hannah, age 9 Never tell your Mom her diet’s not working.” -Michael, age 14 “Stay away from prunes.” -Randy, age 9 “Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to.” ... Read More