pfitz

Musical Terms

by pfitz
Here are some musical terms that are commonly misunderstood by Country-Western musicians with their translated “Country” (or redneck, if you prefer) definitions: 12-Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailor truck with. A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville. Aeolian Mode: How you like Mama’s cherry pie. Altos: Not to be ... Read More

Memo from Accounting

by pfitz
TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING Much to our dismay, it has recently come to our attention that many of our employees have been turning in timesheets specifying an unusually large amount of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). Within the Accounting Department, unproductive time isn’t a problem. However, what is a problem is not knowing exactly ... Read More

Fun with Telemarketers

by pfitz
(Author and date unknown) One of the things that has always bugged me and I’m sure it has most of you too, is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them, as they ... Read More

Signs You Need to Do the Laundry

by pfitz
Here are some signs you really need to do the laundry: You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently. You’ve worn your sheets to school because you can’t get them off of you. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie “Outbreak” to avoid ... Read More

List of Rejected Children’s Books

by pfitz
You Are Different and That’s Bad The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence All Cats Go to Hell The ... Read More

Lost in the Desert

by pfitz
A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he’s lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, “Mush! Mush!” Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time — ... Read More

A Giraffe?

by pfitz
This fellow and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe goes to sleep on the floor. The bartender says, “Hey! What’s that lyin’ there?” The fellow says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe!”

Ironic Banshees

by pfitz
This was taken from the Dilbert Newsletter of August 29, 2003. It’s great for reading out loud to a friend. Ironic Banshees You’ve probably heard the old saying, “She screamed like a banshee.” I didn’t learn much about banshees in school but I deduce that they are dead people who scream loudly. That seems unpleasant ... Read More

What’s in a Name?

by pfitz
So an Indian chief was with his young son, who asked: “Father, how did I get my name?” “Well, my child, when your older brother was born, I looked out of the tepee and saw a flying eagle, so I called him Flying Eagle. When your sister was born, I looked outside and saw a ... Read More