pfitz

Some One-Liners

by pfitz
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ... Read More

Impressing the Boss

by pfitz
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEOstanding in front of the company shredder with a piece of paper inhand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is very important, and my secretary’salready left. Can you make this thing work?” “Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on,inserted the ... Read More

Things You Don’t Want to Hear Over the Airplane PA System

by pfitz
1. (on an ocean-crossing flight) This is your Captain speaking, Ijust wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushionscan be used as flotation devices. 2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia.If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant andreceive an extra pack ... Read More

Helpful Farmer

by pfitz
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some ... Read More

World’s Shortest Books

by pfitz
Top 19 World’s Shortest Books 19. Famous Italian War Heroes 18. Al Gore: The Wild Years 17. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean 16. America’s Most Popular Lawyers 15. Career Opportunities for History Majors 14. Detroit: A Travel Guide 13. Different Ways to Spell “Bob” 12. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches 11. Easy ... Read More

Grammar Bar

by pfitz
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly. A bar was walked into by the passive voice. An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.” A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all ... Read More

Weasel in a Bar

by pfitz
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?” “Pop,” goes the weasel.

Innappropriate Christmas Gifts

by pfitz
A couple years ago, the Washington Post-Style Invitational Challenge for the week was to come up with a terribly inappropriate Christmas gift idea. 4th runner up: Li’l Naturalist Hornet Farm 3rd runner up: A Pee-wee Herman pull toy 2nd runner up: The Duncan Yo – Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties. 1st ... Read More

Family Crisis

by pfitz
THE FAMILY CRISISCopyright 2002 W. Bruce Cameronhttp://www.wbrucecameron.com My wife is called out of town on a family emergency. I gather the children together–families, when confronted with a crisis, find that it draws them all closer. “We’ll all have to pitch in and help,” I proclaim solemnly. “I hate living here,” my older daughter fumes. I ... Read More

Twas the Night before Christmas, Legally Speaking

by pfitz
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur ata certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) ageneral lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but notlimited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had beenaffixed by and around the chimney in said House ... Read More