pfitz

World’s Shortest Books

by pfitz
Top 19 World’s Shortest Books 19. Famous Italian War Heroes 18. Al Gore: The Wild Years 17. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean 16. America’s Most Popular Lawyers 15. Career Opportunities for History Majors 14. Detroit: A Travel Guide 13. Different Ways to Spell “Bob” 12. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches 11. Easy ... Read More

Grammar Bar

by pfitz
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly. A bar was walked into by the passive voice. An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.” A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all ... Read More

Weasel in a Bar

by pfitz
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?” “Pop,” goes the weasel.

Innappropriate Christmas Gifts

by pfitz
A couple years ago, the Washington Post-Style Invitational Challenge for the week was to come up with a terribly inappropriate Christmas gift idea. 4th runner up: Li’l Naturalist Hornet Farm 3rd runner up: A Pee-wee Herman pull toy 2nd runner up: The Duncan Yo – Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties. 1st ... Read More

Family Crisis

by pfitz
THE FAMILY CRISISCopyright 2002 W. Bruce Cameronhttp://www.wbrucecameron.com My wife is called out of town on a family emergency. I gather the children together–families, when confronted with a crisis, find that it draws them all closer. “We’ll all have to pitch in and help,” I proclaim solemnly. “I hate living here,” my older daughter fumes. I ... Read More

Twas the Night before Christmas, Legally Speaking

by pfitz
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur ata certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) ageneral lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but notlimited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had beenaffixed by and around the chimney in said House ... Read More

Christmas Letter from the Mother-in-Law

by pfitz
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I ... Read More

Tom Said

by pfitz
“I can’t believe I ate that whole pineapple!” Tom said dolefully. “That’s the last time I’ll ever pet a lion,” Tom said offhandedly. “I dropped the toothpaste,” Tom said, crestfallen. “I’ll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!” Tom said, beside himself. “That’s the third electric shock I’ve gotten this week!” Tom said, revolted. “I’m ... Read More

Help in Time of Need

by pfitz
A man is in bed with his wife when there is knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” ... Read More

Collar Problems

by pfitz
In medieval England, it was the custom for the heir to the throne to wear a fancy ruffled collar known as a ruff. One particular heir wore an exceptionally fancy ruff known as a “dandy,” which blocked his vision so that he kept tripping and falling.   This proves that dandy ruffs cause falling heirs.