Things You Don’t Want to Hear Over the Airplane PA System

1. (on an ocean-crossing flight) This is your Captain speaking, I
just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions
can be used as flotation devices.

2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia.
If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and
receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close-up perspective of the
local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new
commitment to make your a flight a sightseeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock…one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!!

5. ummmmmm…Sorry…(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)…uhhhhh…we have
to go back…we…we…uhhhhhh…forgot something…

7. I’m sure everyone’s noticed the loss of an engine, however the
reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more
efficiently now. Really.

8. (same tone used by your friend with the suicidal driving
tendencies when you get in his car) Fasten your seatbelt.

9. This is your Captain speaking…these darn planes are a lot
different than the ships I’m used to…so you’ll have to give me some

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades
and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and…Oh

12. Don’t worry that one is always on E…

13. Get the parachutes ready…