FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Holiday Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols–feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present, no Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table: you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchanges are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party; the days are so short this time of year. Or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing is allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food; we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics–the
restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything??!!
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice! What do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks.
Okay???
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up? Please?????????
Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!!
You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung by your eyelids from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die! You hear me?!?!?!?!!
Your H.R. Nightmare!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off with full pay!
Happy Holidays!