Language

Telephone Conversation

by pfitz
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated “best email of 1997.” The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review. Room Service (RS): “Morny. Ruin sorbees.” Guest (G): “Sorry, I ... Read More

Epitaphs

by pfitz
Actual epitaphs from real tombstones: In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the ... Read More

First Grade Proverbs

by pfitz
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. [Note: My 2nd grade teacher did the same thing back in the 1970’s and got the results published ... Read More

New Kind of Car

by pfitz
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. “Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?”one asked. “He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car,” his co-worker replied. “How was he going to do it?” “He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats ... Read More

Go Forth and Multiply

by pfitz
After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the animals to leave, he told the animals to “go forth and multiply.” All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark. “Why can’t you go forth and multiply?” demanded Noah. “We can’t,” ... Read More

Potato Puns

by pfitz
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato? Boiling Mad. Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop. What ... Read More

Some Pirate Riddles

by pfitz
Why didn’t the pirate get hungry when he was left on a desert island? Because of all the sand which is there! C00008==============> How do pirates know when they are about to be attacked? They watch Sea-span! C00008==============> I don’t know if you’ve heard about this new Pirate corn they’ve got now. I guess it’s ... Read More

An American in London

by pfitz
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portière looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. “You must mean the lift,” he said. “No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.” “Well,” the portière answered, “over here we ... Read More

Halloween Riddles

by pfitz
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ What’s a ghost’s favorite Mother Goose Story? Little Boo Peep ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Why do ... Read More

Ladle Rat Rotten Hut

by pfitz
[If you’re having a hard time figuring this one out, try reading it aloud.] Wants pawn term dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage honor itch offer ledge dock florist. Disc ladle gull orphan worry ladle rat cluck wetter putty ladle rat hut, end fur disc raisin pimple cauldron ladle rat ... Read More