pfitz

The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

by pfitz
My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25 What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily ========================================================== Beloved Edward, Dec 26 The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree ... Read More

Twas the Night Before Christmas – Military Style

by pfitz
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds, As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads. Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube, And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so ... Read More

Twas the Day after Christmas

by pfitz
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting — even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new ... Read More

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

by pfitz
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What We Hear? DEMENTIA: I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and… PARANOID: Santa ... Read More

Twinkies

by pfitz
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments: Exposure A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across ... Read More

Halloween Riddles

by pfitz
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ What’s a ghost’s favorite Mother Goose Story? Little Boo Peep ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Why do ... Read More

The Jerk

by pfitz
Having a bad day? Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was ... Read More

The Old Navy Parrot

by pfitz
The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot. First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.” The old chief told the parrot, ... Read More

Ladle Rat Rotten Hut

by pfitz
[If you’re having a hard time figuring this one out, try reading it aloud.] Wants pawn term dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage honor itch offer ledge dock florist. Disc ladle gull orphan worry ladle rat cluck wetter putty ladle rat hut, end fur disc raisin pimple cauldron ladle rat ... Read More

Beatles Computer Song

by pfitz
(to the tune of “Let It Be “) When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C. Write in C, write in C, ... Read More