pfitz

Reading on Vacation

by pfitz
“What happened?” asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. “Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of ... Read More

Shopkeepers Competition

by pfitz
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign that read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he ... Read More

French Rabbits

by pfitz
The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old ... Read More

Situation Ethics in Dieting

by pfitz
Cheaters Never Win and Winners Never Cheat But Sometimes on a Diet You GOT to Bend the Rules… “Minimizing Caloric Intake by Situational Combinations” If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t ... Read More

HMO Q&A

by pfitz
Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, ‘Hey, Moe!’ Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard of “The Three Stooges ” who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard ... Read More

Family Feud Answers

by pfitz
Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud. Name something a blind person might use: a sword Name a song with ‘moon’ in the title: blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar ... Read More

A Frog Pfunny

by pfitz
A frog walks into a bank and asks the teller, “Who do I talk to about getting a loan?” The teller shows him to the office of the loans manager, Ms. Patricia Black. “I would like a loan of $20 to buy a new lily pad,” the frog tells her. “Do you have any collateral?” ... Read More

Epitaphs

by pfitz
Actual epitaphs from real tombstones: In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the ... Read More

Holiday Tips

by pfitz
I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. 1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts ... Read More

First Grade Proverbs

by pfitz
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. [Note: My 2nd grade teacher did the same thing back in the 1970’s and got the results published ... Read More