Things a Dog Must Remember

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff even though I haven’t got a chance to rip the bag to shreds to see what was in it.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up or have an accident.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal dung.

“Kitty box crunchies” are not food!

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard or house depending on which end processes it first.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

I will not take whatever I please and hide it under the bed so my people can have a scavenger hunt looking for it.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell.  I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.

I will not stand around Mom when she is cooking or when she is carrying her coffee, so she won’t trip over me.

I will not beg for food at the supper table, and especially not eat someone’s food if they leave it for just a moment.

I will not tear up the patio furniture or put holes in the screen so I may jump in and lounge, just because I don’t want to stay outside for more than 2 minutes.

I will not chase the cat, knocking over breakable things in the process.

I will allow Mom and Dad some room and covers when we go to bed.