~ Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it
~ Allege: A rocky platform on a mountain
~ Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
~ Arson: Our daughter’s brother
~ Autobiography: A history of cars
~ Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do
~ Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital
~ Baloney: Where some hemlines fall
~ Bassinet: What every fisherman wants
~ Belong: To take your time
~ Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage
~ Book: a utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman
~ Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think
~ Budget: A method for going broke methodically
~ Bureaucracy: a method of turning energy into solid waste
~ Burglarize: What a crook sees with
~ Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in
~ Carpet: A dog that enjoys riding in an automobile
~ Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular
~ Coffee: Break fluid
~ Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage
~ Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope
~ Consciousness: that annoying time between naps
~ Control: A short, ugly inmate
~ Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
~ Deduce: De lowest card in de deck
~ Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch
~ Diplomacy: The art of letting other people have your own way
~ Document: Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words
~ Dogma: A mother dog
~ Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
~ Earthquake: A topographical error
~ Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge
~ Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist
~ Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers
~ Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster
~ Feast: An eat wave
~ Fission: What Huck Finn did when he played hookey
~ Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries
~ Flattery: Phony express
~ Geezer: Formerly known as studmuffin
~ Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up
~ Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
~ Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire
~ Ground beef: A cow with no legs
~ Handicap: A ready-to-use hat
~ Hanging: A suspended sentence
~ Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig
~ Heroes: What a guy in a boat does
~ Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler
~ Hypochondriac: A guy who won’t let well enough alone
~ Hypothesis: What a boy says to his father on the telephone
~ Indecision: Under the whether
~ Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late
~ Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with
~ Intense: Where campers sleep
~ Kinship: Your brother’s boat
~ Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer
~ Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
~ Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass
~ Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
~ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
~ Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane
~ Minimum: A very small mother
~ Misty: How golfers create divots
~ Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once
~ Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance
~ Observatory: What George Washington asked his spies to do
~ Pandemonium: A housing development for pandas
~ Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon
~ Paradox: Two physicians
~ Paraffins: Found on the sides of fish
~ Paralyze: Two untruths
~ Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
~ Pharmacist: A helper on the farm
~ Polynesia: memory loss in parrots
~ Praise: Letting off esteem
~ Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
~ Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy
~ Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep
~ Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
~ Relief: What trees do in the spring
~ Sarcasm: Quip lash
~ Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it
~ Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does
~ Sesame: A seed useful for opening caves
~ Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event
~ Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark
~ Skier: A person who jumps to contusions
~ Sleet: A slipcover
~ Stirrup: What you do with cake batter
~ Subdued: Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
~ Subsidy: A town underneath another town
~ Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them
~ Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official
~ Sweater: A garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly
~ Taxes: Of life’s two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension
~ Teenager: An adolescent whose hang-ups do not include his clothes
~ Teenagers: People who express their desire to be different by dressing alike
~ Tenure: A year after nineure
~ Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary
~ Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day
~ Trapeziod: A device for catching zoids
~ Unabated: A fishhook without a worm
~ Valorous: A big animal vit tusks vot lives in vater
~ Vanguard: A person who protects trucks
~ Violinist: A high-strung musician
~ Warehouse: What you ask when you are lost
~ Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home