In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:
BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.
BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
COACH: The children’s Christmas program director.
ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children’s Christmas program.
COMMERCIAL: Announcements.
DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.
END ZONE: The pews.
EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.
FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.
HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.
HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.
HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.
ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.
ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.
INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.
OFFSIDES: When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred).
PASS INTERFERENCE:
1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience.
2. A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
QUARTERBACK SNEAK:
1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.
RAIN DELAY: Baptism
RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who “own” their own pew.
SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.
TACKLE:
1. What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
2. Asking that “new couple” to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.
PASS: When the new couple says no.
TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor’s wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.