Holiday Tips

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. 1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts […]

The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25 What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily ========================================================== Beloved Edward, Dec 26 The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree […]

Twas the Day after Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting — even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new […]

Holiday Wishes (Court Brief #876)

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions […]

Letter from Santa

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. In fact, I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American […]

Holiday Merger

MAJOR HOLIDAY MERGER ANNOUNCED Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not […]

Christmas Party Memos

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 1 RE: Holiday Party I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing […]