Holiday Tips

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. 1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts […]

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother […]

Halloween Rules

=> When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead. => Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. => Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. => If your children speak to you in Latin or […]

The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25 What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving Emily ========================================================== Beloved Edward, Dec 26 The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree […]

Twas the Day after Christmas

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting — even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new […]

Halloween Party

This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back. “What the heck are you?” asks the host. “I’m a snail,” says the guy. “But… you have a girl on your back,” replies the host. “Yeah, he says, “that’s Michelle!”